Ok ok.. so the title of the blog is a rip off of “You, My self & Dupree” but there’s a great reason for this. I've been married to my husband Tom Khayos (who is a 4th generation toy collector) for 3 years now and I have been learning about his toy bobby. Apparently, there are many women or partners who are not willing to endure being involved with someone who collects extravagant amounts things. To be quite honest it took me a while to adjust to it, but even as accepting as I am of his hobby a times the clutter does get on my nerves.
Why does this happen?
For what I have encountered there are two main reasons why women or partners get upset at the collector in their lives. #1 lack of space and #2 finances.
#1 Lack of space
Previously I wrote a blog called "Moving with a Toy Collector" (
http://livingwithatoycollector.com/?p=383 ) in which I talked about the difficulties of moving with a collector and the options many people face when they are looking for a new home. However I haven’t had the chance to talk about the space issue on a daily life that your lady, partner and even family will face. In order to this discuss this we need to first talk about what in my opinion are the 3 levels of collectors.
a) The casual collector - These collectors on average only collects what they really like and are not compelled to be completest (definition page link). They are normally limited to a very small section of their living space such as a shelf, a wall or a bookcase at the most and are not constantly looking into expanding their collection.
b)The Average collector - These are collectors that buy things they really enjoy but also are willing to pick up other pieces because they are looking into expanding their collection, they think is cool and it starts giving them bragging rights. These collectors are the ones that are given designated room in the house, often have stuff on shelves, and in bags, boxes and totes.
c)The Elite Collector - These are the guys and gals that most average folk like to label as toy hoarders due to the incredibly large size of their collections. Many of these collectors have been long time collectors and are very passionate about their hobby . Many of them also take great care of their collections but sadly encountered space problems that can appear to be overwhelming to someone who doesn't knows anything or does not care about collecting. Just like the average collectors, they will have stuff protected in bags, boxes, totes, and on shelves. However, they will also start having display cases, several rooms full of stuff, several closets, storage units and yes at time even an entire separate house just for their collection. Yes you read that last part right.
Now you are probably saying “SO” at this point but let’s put it from your lady’s or partner’s point of view. You come home and just had a very long day at work, or dealing with the family. Now instead of coming home where you are at least trying to wind down, all you see is clutter and simply can’t relax. That takes a toll on you on a daily basis. Some people can function regardless of the environment but there are many that can’t live with a lot of clutter. Think about, while there are many people that don’t have a home that looks like the cover of Better Homes and Garden, many of them have created layouts that is functional for everyday life without claustrophobic or dangerous circumstances where you can trip and fall over something.
Believe it or not there has been many articles released linking excessive clutter to depression. While Chronic Disorganization is not a recognized medical diagnosis nor do they have solid evidence that is linked directly to depression, many people do link clutter to their depression. Do any of these symptoms sound familiar when it comes to your partner?
- Issues with concentration, hard time remembering things, and hard time making decision. These can affect how a person prioritize, organizes and sorts through things.
- Severe exhaustion, and energy drain.
- Feeling of self-esteem, worthlessness, helplessness, and guilt.
- Trouble sleeping, waking up very early, or excessive sleeping.
- Irritation and restlessness.
- Grossly over eating or losing appetite.
- Chronic pains, headaches, digestive problems persisting with treatment, and cramps.
- Constant anxiety, empty feeling, and sadness.
Bullet points reference from www.care2.com article “Clutter and Depression” (http://www.care2.com/greenliving/clutter-and-depression.html?page=2)
I’m not stating that all collector’s spouses or partners suffer from depression, but I do want to state that when dealing with large amounts of stuff you have to considered how that is effecting other members of your household. You would not feel very comfortable if every surface of your home is covered in shoes, clothing, and purses especially if this stuff don’t interest you. Then why would you think that your partner would be interested to see your collection they are not that into all over the place? If you are one of the lucky once who has a partner than collects as well, I hope you are very very rich and can afford a mansion to put your collections into.
#2 Finances
Weather or not you are involved with a collector of any kind, finances has been known for being the number one cause of stress among relationships and families. That’s not just something that have been determined several times in many professional articles but I have experienced it myself in my first marriage which is the reason why I’m in my second marriage.
This is not rocket science. Keep in mind that to your partner your collection is just more stuff cluttering in their living space because many of them simply don't know, don't care or understand what you are collecting. Example: A spouse will be more willing to spend $1000 on a diamond or a ring because in their mind they understand that is valuable versus spending a $1000 on a mega rare toy that to them they see as just a hunk of plastic/junk.
The main reason why Tom and I can function is that I've been taking the time to understand and learn about what he is collecting and the value of his pieces. However we also have a very clear agreement that I have stated In my blogs before " As long as you pay you portion of bills, necessities and put a specific amount into savings , the rest of the money is yours to spend however the pieces must be quality pieces not junk." By quality pieces I mean something he can quickly turn around just in case of a drastic emergency. This agreement has really helped him really take a closer look at what he is buying and creating a much nicer and higher quality collection.
Now Tom and I are very lucky that we at times have the spare income to spend on his collection but it's because we plan ahead by incrementally saving paycheck to paycheck. However if you are in a position where you can't barely scrape by every month is understandable why your spouse/partner would be very upset if you spend income you don't have on a hobby. Hobbies are not a necessity. Shelter and food are number one (especially if there are small children) followed by necessary clothing (not a shopping spree), other such as transportation cost should be next. In this bad situation both parties in the relationship must agree to not spend on unnecessary stuff. Also, credit cards are not an option for extra income. In fact that makes the financial stress worst and with high interest you will end up overpaying and adding more bills you can't afford on the table. Avoid them at all cost unless is an extreme emergency like broken glasses or a chipped tooth.
All in all when it comes to living with a collector there has to be a balance between partners needs, education and understanding among parties otherwise is just a ticking bomb waiting to happen.
Thank you for joining me on this blog.
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